Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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