when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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