I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
