I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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