Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
