Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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