It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
