It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
smell my finger.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
