Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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