My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
