I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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