I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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