you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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