the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
