Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
