Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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