Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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