I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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