I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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