We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
