Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
