I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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