Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
