Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
