i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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