I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
