I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
