Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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