finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
this is an emotional support booty call
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
