too bad you live with your parents still
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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