Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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