I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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