sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
