i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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