It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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