do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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