Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
