I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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