i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
