member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
