4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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