You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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