I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
