I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
