I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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