The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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