I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
