Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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