I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
