Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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