just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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