There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
