you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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