btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
