i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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