I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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