If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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