wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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