it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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