Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
NoShamevember. You game?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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