Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
