she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
