Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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